•September 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment


Spears jutted from your heaving sides
And yet I stood in front of your fear and fury,
Your innocence and injury,
Stared down your bright red eyes and said,

“They’ll have to go through me.”


•September 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I know that someday the time will come that I will have to lose you.

Either to heaven’s arms or simply separate ways,

One day I know I will lose you.


Every day I wake up praying “God,



Not today.”


•September 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I will always stand beside you –

Never doubt that.


But sadness punches into me like the jagged edge of your knuckles

When I think of the possibility

(No, probability, almost certainty)


That I may never be one of you.


(Always present, always apart.

Was that not what you swore

when you took up the crown of the Devourer, the Queen of Beasts?)


(I’m a wolf, do you hear?!)


I will always be with you

No matter how isolated I feel.


(A wolf! A wolf! A wolf!)


When winter chills my tongue,

I will not cry for your comfort.

I will guard your peaceful sleep,

And damned be my own frozen bones.


(A wolf! A wolf! A wolf!)


My back bent under the weight of this crown of thorns.

I fashioned my own cross, pound by pound,

Adding this deadweight flesh

So that my voice could carry strong and true,

So that I could bear to stand with the weight of you.


(I’m a wolf! A wolf! A wolf!)


I became “She Who Devours Their Sorrow”

No regrets –

Not then and not now.

I will not be a burden on your shoulders.


(Always present and always apart.)


It does not matter if the outside is my forever home.

One way or another I will destroy all that causes you pain!


(I will crunch and crack the supernova sorrow that flays your flesh from bone!)


One way or another, I will guard your side.


(I will carry you.  I will make safe your paths.)


[[A/N: CJ's been writing quite a bit lately.  Wonder what's going on in her brain.]]


•August 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Scars mark my hands and sigh across my arms,

You wouldn’t believe them if you saw them.


I want to lose this awareness,

I want to run hard in the dark,

I want to be numb.


I was the void of sadness at the end of the road,

No warmth no light in me,

Just a cold blue flame that froze all it touched.


This is my endgame, my


And you will not destroy me

No you cannot touch me tonight

Because I am already broken


(And knowing it keeps me alive.)


I am the queen of beasts,

The queen of the end, the end of the end,

Standing in the sea of blood

That breaks around the river Styx –


This is my endgame, my


But finally, I’m fine –

Finally I will not lie when I say I’m fine,

I’m fine, I’m fine and all my tears are dry.


I’ve lost count of the blows I’ve taken,


Lost count of the stars that imploded and left me in the dark,

I’ve lost count of the hopes I let go of,

Or those that tore themselves from my feeble hands

And flew


And left me cold.


This is my endgame, my


The gate to the abyss,

I’ll make you lead the way to hell!

And what does it matter if my future doesn’t exist,

What does it matter if no one hears me roar,

What does it matter as long as your blood paints the sky tonight?


This is my endgame, my


Cleaving flesh from bone in one last cry,

One last howl for a peace I have never known,

One last gut-wrenching call out of hatred for this bitterness.


This will be the end of me,

Absolutely, finally,

(Oh God please take me quickly)

This will be the end of me,

The end of a nightmare.


I’ve held on too long, far too long,

Long past the ledge of suicide –

But tonight will be the end of me –

This is my endgame, my






[[A/N: written to "Chandelier" by Sia.  CJ's "endgame" is a point she reaches when fighting where she says "well fuck it, I don't have shit to lose anyway.  I might die but you're coming with me."  Typically CJ fights against her bitterness and sadness, but when she hits this point she just goes numb and hollow and doesn't care who she hurts.  It's like she loses the energy to exist and goes into suicide mode.  Bleh.  It's a gross feeling.]]


•August 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I wonder if you know

That it’s good to hear you laugh

Even from a distance


Even from through the woods I can feel your smile

Your heartbeat

When you let go of the sadness that grips tight at your lungs


I wonder if you know

That it brings out my sharpened teeth

With a roar,

‘I won’t let them ruin you!’


Because even if I cannot cause that smile,

Even if I cannot be under your chin

With my ear pressed to your throat to hear your bark of a laugh,


I’ll be damned if I let anyone take it away from you.


[[Because I am your lonely Silver Wolf, and you are my bright and burning Tiger Boy.]]

(and in her nightmares these ghosts sigh and ricochet)

•August 27, 2014 • 2 Comments

Only human, only human

(I’m a wolf, do you hear?!)


Weak and soft and staggering,

Whisper in my ear, oh child of the woods –

I’m a wolf, a wolf, a wolf.


Do you cry in the winter for fear of the cold?

Don’t you wish to be something more.


How I loved you, and I promised.

(I’m a wolf! A wolf! A wolf!)


Is that not enough?

I promised.

Don’t you die on me now.

Future Cynicism

•August 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

If anyone ever comes after you,

If I suddenly lose you and somehow

Defeat the apathy long enough to move on,


I will laugh in your successor’s face

The first time he tries to put me in my place;

I will look him straight in the eyes

And tell him

“You will never tame me, boy.

I ran with Alphas and fought with tigers.

You will never be strong enough to hold me down.”


And if he tries to choke me,

Fire will roar from my lungs.

I will destroy those who threaten my freedom.

I will make you proud.


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